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My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.
-David Steinberg

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.
-Henny Youngman

Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.
-Mel Brooks

The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish.
-Jules Farber

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York, you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be a goy even if you are Jewish.
-Lenny Bruce

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
-Calvin Trillin

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!
-Golda Meir

Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother.
-Peter Malkin

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
-Benjamin Disraeli

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
-Sam Levenson

Don't be humble; you are not that great.
-Golda Meir

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
-Joe E. Lewis

A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
-Sam Goldwyn

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
-Woody Allen

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
-Groucho Marx

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.
-Oscar Levant

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
-George Burns

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
-Milton Berle

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.
-Sam Goldwyn

Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
-Ernie Kovacs

When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.
-Henry Kissinger

JEWISH WISDOM:

Fear builds walls to bar the light.  - Baal Shem Tov

Engage in Torah and charity even with an ulterior motive, for that habit of right doing will lead also to right motivation.  - Talmud: Pesahim, 50b

The sword comes into the world because of justice delayed and because of justice perverted.- Ethics of the Fathers 5:8

Ever since Rabbi Akiba used the Passover seder to plan a revolutionary struggle against the Roman occupiers, the Jews have used the seder to begin concrete work on tikkun (healing and transformation).

- Rabbi Michael Lerner, the Tikkun Magazine Passover supplement 2006

To work out ends of righteousness and love are you called; not merely to enjoy or suffer.

- S.R. Hirsch, "Nineteen Letters," 1836

“Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself.”  Golda Meir

The worship of God, though desirable as an end itself, can somehow never be in the right spirit, unless it impels one to the service of man.  - Rabbi Mordechai Kaplan

Concentrate on three things and you will not fall into the grip of sin. Know from where you came, where you are going, and before Whom you will have to give account and reckoning.- Pirkei Avot 3:1

We cannot learn from general principles: there may be exceptions.  - Johanan, Talmud: Kiddushin

A truly generous man is he that always gives, whether it be much or little, before he is asked.- Orchot Tsadiqim

The best security for old age: respect your children.- Sholem Asch

 A Jew can be Jewish with God, against God, but not without God.- Elie Wiesel

He who promotes his own honor at the expense of his neighbor's has no portion in the world to come.- Judah b. Hanina, Genesis Rabbah

Even if all the world tells you, "You are righteous," consider yourself a sinner.  - Rabbi Simlai

Prayer is meaningless unless it is subversive, unless it seeks to overthrow and to ruin the pyramids of callousness, hatred, opportunism and falsehood. The liturgical movement must become a revolutionary movement, seeking to overthrow the forces that continue to destroy the promise, the hope, the vision.- Abraham Joshua Heschel, "On Prayer"

Lose with truth and right rather than gain with falsehood and wrong.- Maimonides, "Tzavaah"

Seek the good in everyone, and reveal it, bring it forth.- Rabbi Nachman of Breslov (1772-1811), "Likutey Moharan"

Just as we love ourselves despite the faults we know we have, so should we love our neighbors despite the faults we see in them.- Rabbi Israel Baal Shem Tov

A man should never impose an overpowering fear upon his household.  - Babylonian Talmud, Gittin 6b

If you add to the truth, you subtract from it.- The Talmud

Love unaccompanied by criticism is not love....Peace unaccompanied by reproof is not peace.- Genesis Rabbah 54:3

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